


The Last Stand

by pengiesama



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-04-30 21:45:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5180843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pengiesama/pseuds/pengiesama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren and Armin just want to eat spray cheese and cake frosting for three meals a day while Jean is out of town, but that's like, not healthy or something? Whatever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Last Stand

**Author's Note:**

> I confirm that a can of cake frosting satisfies your daily nutritional requirements if you're like, a Santa elf, or maybe some sort of plant that eats frosting instead of dirt.

“Cheez me.”

Armin scooped another spoonful of cake frosting into his mouth, then reached out to grab one of the half-full bottles of spray cheese clattering among the empties on the coffee table. Eren stuffed a handful of oyster crackers into his mouth, chewed vigorously, then opened his mouth wide like a baby bird. A baby bird expecting spray cheese. Armin obliged.

Eren swallowed thickly, as if he was trying to force a disgusting cheese-and-cracker bolus down his throat, which he was. He grimaced as he felt it work its way down his esophagus, and took a swig of grape soda to wash it down. Armin watched him fondly, and ate another spoonful of cake frosting from the can. Jean had been out of town the past few weeks, and as always, it did not take long for Armin and Eren to burn through all of the wonderful and healthy meals that Jean slaved in the kitchen pre-making for them. They had existed in this state of nutritional anarchy for the past three days, and the only thing Armin regretted was how quickly he ran out of rainbow sprinkles to put on his cake frosting.

Oh well, he thought, reaching for the strawberry frosting to change things up. Maybe they could get the pizza delivery guy to pick them up some sprinkles and peanut butter from the corner store if they tipped well –

“Why. _Why._ ”

Ah. Armin and Eren, preoccupied by the thought of more sprinkles, hadn’t heard Jean come in. Armin paused with his spoon in his mouth, and gave Jean a little finger-wave. Eren burped loudly, expelling a small cloud of cracker dust.

Jean’s eyes narrowed.  Without a word, his hand went to his phone.

Armin and Eren froze. Armin’s mind raced. He had to think of an exit strategy for this, fast—

But Jean had already dialed Mikasa’s number. She picked up on the first ring, and listened silently for the signal. Through his obvious disgust and bitter disappointment, Jean managed a bitter, triumphant smile.

“They did it again,” he said, flatly.

They had to act fast. There was no time to close the window – and it would barely hamper her pursuit. Eren and Armin seized what supplies they could gather and raced into the bedroom; locking the door behind them. They heard a shattering of glass (maybe that window was already closed, come to think of it), and a firm knock on the bedroom door.

“Open this door and receive actual nutrition,” Mikasa’s voice was heard to say.

“NEVER!” howled Eren, emptying all the remaining spray cheese cans into his mouth at once and passing out onto the ground.

Eren had made his last stand as he had always faced life: loudly, and with spray cheese coming out his nose. Armin rose to his feet solemnly and padded over to the door.

He opened it barely a crack, and stared back into Mikasa’s stony glare with The Look. His eyelashes fluttered. His blue eyes shined. Mikasa’s grimace began to crack, and she tightened her grip on her grocery bags filled with foul nutrition – green leafy abominations, all – to hide the shaking of her hands.

Fast as a falcon, Armin moved in for the finishing blow – he pressed a tiny kiss to the tip of Mikasa’s nose. In an instant, Mikasa had collapsed to the ground, unconscious. Jean reeled back in terror as Armin emerged from the bedroom, stalking him with similar intent. Jean raced to the front door – fumbled with the knob – but alas, he was already dead. He felt the grim specter of death upon him, and turned to face his fate.

Armin went up on tippy-toes and pecked Jean on the nose. Jean made a high-pitched noise and collapsed. Probably because that sudden boner redirected all his blood, Armin mused, poking Jean’s stiff weenie with his socked foot idly while helping himself to another spoonful of cake frosting. Armin wondered if he could move Jean away from the door in time for the pizza guy to arrive.


End file.
